dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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