Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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