Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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