it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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