Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
