god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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