A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
