My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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