Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It was like getting head from an anaconda
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
