I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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