my mouth tastes like poor choices
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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