I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
