Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
