My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize