I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
