kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
