its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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