Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize