Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
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Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
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It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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