Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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