he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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