Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
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I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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