i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
