If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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