A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
