hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Randomize
