gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
