I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My pussy is not your playground.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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