i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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