she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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