I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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