i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
