someone get that fucking seahorse.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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