BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
