I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
