I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
