you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
