jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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