i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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