I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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