so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
