Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
