Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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