I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
