When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
