o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Randomize
