He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Terrible idea I love it
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
