I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
