I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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