i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
