I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
