just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
