im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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