Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
