Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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