i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
