I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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