Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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