It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
