When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
