I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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