If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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